The best night with my best friend.

Ahhhh. Valentines Day. It was perfect.. And that is even an understatement. I wrote in my last post a little bit about what I was doing for the Valentines Day and I am so glad that we decided on those plans!

First of all, we got ourselves snowed in together on Thursday. Slept till noon after getting up at 7 and digging my car out just to prove to Perkins I wouldn't be able to get there. Perks of having a shitty car... hehe :) So, after we slept our day away we got up and made some pancakes and turkey bacon and then cuddled up and watched a movie before we went out and dug his car out together so he could get to the gym. That man can never miss a work out, I swear. That day quickly went by and Friday came along.

My day of love. 

We woke up around 7:30 and went to Perkins for breakfast so I could see my girls before we took off. After breakfast he dropped me off at home so I could get my hair/eyebrows done, buy a bag for his gifts, get him a new and more improved valentines day card, find some nice bubble bath and pack up my stuff. As I ran around like a crazy person he went to the gym and packed his bag. The simple life of a man, huh? Around 3 o'clock he showed up to my doorstep with roses and a little wrapped box in hand. With a smile as big as this planet I kissed him about a million times as I was honestly in complete shock.

 (What was hiding in my pretty little box. :))

 After my little, well, major freak out we finally hit the road. An hour later we pulled up to our hotel. Got the var valeted. Checked-in. Jumped around on the bed. Thought of some ideas with the mini bar we had. Kissed a ton. Cuddled a little. Then decided we should probably get ready. His muscles are too big so his shirt was too small, but he managed. The tights I bought were tight but they fit me. I couldn't wear the heels I bought so thank goodness I bought a new pair of nude flats. I fixed his tie. He pushed my hair behind my ears. I took a few mirror selfies of us, of course.

Then we were off. We are such children and didn't make a reservation at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, so we showed up with fingers crossed that we would get a table, and guess what? We didn't. Just kidding. We got one. We got one right away. We were treated like we were royal. It was perfect. More expensive then I thought (sorry babe) but hey. It's only once a year right?

 ( The general manager walked over to our table, gave me a flower and wish me the best Valentine's Day any girl could have. Which I got :))

We walked down to the water for a little after dinner and explored and then made our way back to our nice big hotel room. And that's where it ends for ya. We spent the night together in the hotel room wrapped up in each other's arms and all I can say is I am the happiest girl alive.

I could never thank him enough for being so fragile with my heart and for loving me in a way I forgot you could love someone. I am blessed. I am loved. I am grateful. And I hope you all get to feel the way he makes me feel at some point in this life.

xoxo

Cupid.

Hello darlings. How is everyone doing? I, myself, am filled with so much excitment! Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I get to spend it with Jesse. We will make our way to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore and stay the night at Hotel Monaco! Such a beautiful hotel. If you get the chance, look it up! We got the king deluxe sweet with a big, beautiful bathroom (and nice big jacuzzi bathtub!!!!)

Since tomorrow is the day of love, I wanted to talk a little about love. Just for a second. People have been asking me if Jesse and I say, I love you, yet. Which, we do not. But do I love the person Jesse is? Yes. I love the perosn that he his, what he does for me, for others and for himself. He is an incredible man, so it that sense, yes I do love Jesse. Am I ready to say those words yet? I don't believe so, but I'm really not positive. 

Now, the second thing we get to is, am I IN love with Jesse? No, not yet. But I do believe Jesse and I have a very long and beautiful journey ahead of us that I can't wait for and every day I do fall more for him. 

What I am trying to get at is complicated to put into words. What I am really trying to get at is that I am so happy sleeping next to this man every night and so grateful that he was placed in my life. I never thought I would feel this feeling again, but I am. For that I am forever grateful. 

Love me.

This is a more personal and vulgar post I am about to write. I've been thinking a lot about my life, what I've done and how a lot of it is stuff I never thought I would do/be doing. 

In a post a few weeks back I talked about how I lost myself for quite a long time. I felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no way out. It was a struggle every day and I was so close to giving up. I felt as though I had nothing left to offer. Everything I lived for was stripped from me. I felt like my world came crashing down all at once. It was as if my life did a 360. 

There was one person that I loved more than anything. Every part of who I was, was put into him. My happiness, joy, goals, life. He was everything to me and now that I look back I was nothing to him. Knowing that the person I loved more than anything felt nothing towards me shattered me. All I could think was, 

"If he doesn't love you, then who the hell do you think will? You were nothing to him but an outline of a body and that's all you will ever be. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise." 

Every day I woke up and these thoughts overwhelmed me. After weeks and months of this I just let go. I handed myself over to guy after guy. Some of which would last for a few weeks, one lasted a few months but I was nothing but a booty call whenever he was horny. But that's all I thought I was worth anymore. What was love? Was love even real because for months I thought that I was being loved by someone and I wasn't. 

After about a year of just constantly putting checkmarks next to my name I hit rock bottom. My parents had no trust in me, I lost all of my friends that were most important to me, I completely degraded my body, I have mental scars that I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of, I had way too many pregnancy scares where I wouldn't even know who the dad would be and that's sad. I look back and I can't even comprehend that I turned into that person. 

All the strength that everyone told me I had wasn't enough to keep me from falling into the world I fell into. But as I look back I am thankful that I found my way out. I don't know what it was or how I found the light again but I did. 

I am a firm believer that you are never too lost to be found if you scream loud enough for someone to hear you. Not only that, but even though it's said all the time, it's true; You cannot expect to be loved by someone until you love yourself first. Though it's still something I'm working on I have definitely performed another 360 but I'm happy and free this time. 

T H A N K F U L

Hello, my pretties! I am standing in my kitchen as I write this. These past few days the same thoughts have been taking over my thought process. Well, more like one word has consumed my mind. 

T H A N K F U L. 

I look around and I see all the different struggles in this world and yet I still catch myself waking up shaking my head and wishing for more more more. My car is slowly breaking down and giving up, my bank account is lower than it's ever been, I haven't been shopping in a couple months, I don't get to take my daily trips to the harbor and everywhere else I wanna go, but guess what? 

I wake up every morning in my own bed, in my own home where it's warm and safe. My car gets me from point A to point B, even if it does make some funny noises every now and then. My bank account is a small number but I've taken some pretty big steps. So, instead of waking up every morning grunting and groaning because I don't have everything I want, I wake up and smile knowing that I am where I am in life and that I'm doing okay. I'm happy, successful, and I have a whole entire life still ahead of me. So, why the hell am I worrying and shaking my head when I should constantly be jumping for joy and being T H A N K F U L. 

Home sweet home.

Hello lovelies. I can't believe it's been this long since I have blogged. There are so many new and crazy things going on in my life right now and I couldn't be happier! 

First off, I moved out!!!!! I am renting my own little home and my heart is just full of so much joy. I have always been an independent person, so to finally be out on my own is more than exciting for me! It's a two story house with a yard,  rose garden and fence! There's also a cute little porch with a porch swing that I am just oh so excited to sit on and drink coffee during my summer mornings. My best friend helped me to move everything in and it's already so homey and cozy. I can't wait to see how it continues to grow over this next year! 

There it is! My perfect little home :) 

Alright. Now that I got to explode a little of my excitment it's time to get serious. Ha! Along with the independence and house comes the bills and stress from money. I have been searching and searching for a second job. Throughout this process I think I've figured out more what I am wanting to do with my life. For now though, I just want an office job where I can get up, get dressed nicely and go into my steady job. It's a struggle to find this right now but I'm not gonna stop searching. And if for some reason any of you come across a job like this, let me know? :) 

I also decided to go through my tumblr, just to try and find some inspiration and I came across this quote, 

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

The first time I came across this quote I cried. (I'm quite an emotional person.) it just hit me so hard because I tend to feel stuck. Life overwhelms me and I feel like I'm not gonna get anywhere and that things will always be a struggle. More recently I have been reminding myself that things can only get better. Does it take time? Yes, sometimes. But those are the time you teach yourself patience and courage to keep treading through the heavy waters. 

Which leads me to my tattoo that I got. My brother and I have been through it all. Our childhood is one that I have taught myself to forget because it's not one that anyone should have to remember. Through it all we have been so blessed, though. Things have only gotten better for us through life even if at times we didn't think it would. 

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So, when life is dragging you back with difficulties it means that it's going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming." 

With that being said, remember that life is life and it will be hard but never ever allow your head to fall. Keep your chin up and your heart big. Greater things are ahead. Write soon. 

Xoxo

Dreams.

The past few days I've sat and literally just fell into a hysterical fit of tears. I don't want to go into details but I applied for a job that could forever change my life. All of my dreams are currently standing right in front of me and I'm doing every possible thing to grab them but I feel like they keep stepping back and back and back. I'm trying to have faith and hope for big things with all of this and even though it's a very slight chance I would get this job, I won't stop believing that I will. 

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend which was nice, as always. When we went our separate ways I decided to take a trip to my quiet spot before I went to work. 

 

 

I took a few shots and then sat there for a minute and just cried. The tears I've been crying are uncontrollable. They are out of fear, happiness, hope, joy... The list goes on. This post is short. I just want to say I'm thankful. I possibly have the chance to have a job that is the job I've always dreamed of and that is enough to keep me on my toes until I hear the news. Good or bad. 

Xoxo 

Hot momma.

Hello bloggers! Technically this post should of have been posted yesterday but time ran out on me! First of all, I got to wake up next to my handsome who I haven't seen in almost two months and I'm telling you, I couldn't be happier. Laying there with his sleepy head on my chest just playing with his hair, feeling his heart beat, getting his kisses on my hand, and trying to talk about everything we missed while apart, I couldn't help but smile. I am so incredibly blessed and so thankful to have this guy and call him mine! :)

Now, getting away from all that gushy stuff, I'm gonna start with the baby shower! One of my good good friends is gonna me a mommy!!! So so exciting. The shower was full of delicious treats, old friends and of course games and baby presents :) 

While shopping for the baby shower I also got to do some shopping for myself as well, of course :)

I definitely love fall and I always have way too much fun in the leaves by myself! :) Oh, and everyone, meet my baby. Josephine! 

Don't mind the stink eye. She's full of sass! Now, last but not least..... Wait for it.... I GOT EMPLOYEE OF THE QUARTER AT PERKINS!!! This makes me so happy. One, because I have been there for just a year. Two, my managers recognize my hard work and my willingness to do whatever they may need for them and for other employees as well. And three, well. It's just awesome to be rewarded something like that. It really is. 

Anyways, it's time to hit the sheets. Worked a 12 hour work day today. I also gotta rest up for tomorrow. I'm seeing my babe again and it's my daddy's birthday! 

Happy 42 years (tomorrow) pops! :) 

Shirt: Target

Cardigan: Forever 21

Necklace: Aldo

Scarf: H&M

Leggings: Kohls 

Shoes: Forever 21