In a post a few weeks back I talked about how I lost myself for quite a long time. I felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no way out. It was a struggle every day and I was so close to giving up. I felt as though I had nothing left to offer. Everything I lived for was stripped from me. I felt like my world came crashing down all at once. It was as if my life did a 360.
There was one person that I loved more than anything. Every part of who I was, was put into him. My happiness, joy, goals, life. He was everything to me and now that I look back I was nothing to him. Knowing that the person I loved more than anything felt nothing towards me shattered me. All I could think was,
"If he doesn't love you, then who the hell do you think will? You were nothing to him but an outline of a body and that's all you will ever be. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise."
Every day I woke up and these thoughts overwhelmed me. After weeks and months of this I just let go. I handed myself over to guy after guy. Some of which would last for a few weeks, one lasted a few months but I was nothing but a booty call whenever he was horny. But that's all I thought I was worth anymore. What was love? Was love even real because for months I thought that I was being loved by someone and I wasn't.
After about a year of just constantly putting checkmarks next to my name I hit rock bottom. My parents had no trust in me, I lost all of my friends that were most important to me, I completely degraded my body, I have mental scars that I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of, I had way too many pregnancy scares where I wouldn't even know who the dad would be and that's sad. I look back and I can't even comprehend that I turned into that person.
All the strength that everyone told me I had wasn't enough to keep me from falling into the world I fell into. But as I look back I am thankful that I found my way out. I don't know what it was or how I found the light again but I did.
I am a firm believer that you are never too lost to be found if you scream loud enough for someone to hear you. Not only that, but even though it's said all the time, it's true; You cannot expect to be loved by someone until you love yourself first. Though it's still something I'm working on I have definitely performed another 360 but I'm happy and free this time.
Wow. That honesty is hard to come by. I don't know that it means much, but I love you, Leah. Everyone seems to mean different things by love...but I mean that I'll fight for you whenever you need a fighter. You're a beautiful girl, and coming out of an impossible time only makes you more beautiful, not less. I wish I could help you with your scars - maybe they will heal. I prayed tonight that they would.
ReplyDeleteStill in your corner,
Luke
P.S. I'm not sure this is for you. I had a freak hour between classes today, and spent it doing another freak thing I never do, writing a poem. Maybe it was for you tonight, maybe it was for me this afternoon, but if it helps you, that's awesome. If not, you can ignore it. Love.
It is whether He is friend or foe
For which I contend and which, for me, cannot be known.
I suppose when I am a friend to me,
It is that also that He seems to be.
When I and me do not agree, however,
He has not been a party to me, no, never!
I accept Him as my friend, or so endeavor,
But for me, His foeship is all too clever.
He and I have been planning for some time.
There is no telling what we may do.
For me and my line,
we strive hard to continue,
He and I have been perfecting a rhythm, a rhyme.
He taps His foot with His perfect time.
When it comes to me and his music, I know I know I’m not worthy,
Though He seems to hope I can leave me behind, along with that worry.
Luke, re-reading this post and your poem brought me to tears. Thank you for your words. They mean more than you know. Love you, friend.
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