Change.

Well, hello there beauties! I'm not sure if anyone even really gets on this anymore but I figured I would write anyways.

From my last post on this blog, which was almost exactly a year ago, till now a lot of things have changed. I don't know exactly what I am wanting to write or how to put it all down into words but I am going to do my best.

A lot of new hurt has come into my life, some I have patched up and gotten over and some is still eating away at my heart and pulling me down. But with the hurt I have also gained a lot of love. My very best friend Sara, who I never thought could be my best friend, has taught me a lot about who I am, who I was, and who I will be. I guess I'll just start from the beginning.

I have stopped going to church, for numerous reasons. I think the biggest reason being that so many people stay away from the church because of all the hypocrites. People saying and doing one thing but then leaving church and saying and doing another. I didn't want to be another obvious hypocrite added to that list keeping people from church. Not only that, but I just didn't want to be in church in general. Am I saying I don't belive in God? Not at all. I am just saying that right now my heart and my proirites are not set on church. Which doesn't make me a bad person and hasn't changed my heart.

I still, more than anything, want to go to Africa and do what I can there. My heart is still set on Africa and making a difference in Africa. I don't want anyone for one second thinking I can't help Africa because I'm not in church. Another big reason I stopped going is because even through all the love I got from people, some people also caused me a lot, A LOT, of pain. I don't know if they realized they were doing this to me or my family, but they did. I don't want to go into details because details don't really matter at this point. I have forgiven every person I felt needed forgivness in my heart and I think that is all that matters. I don't know if or when I will go back to church. It's hard to tell at this point in my life.

I do know that I have seen and experienced too many things to say God isn't real. So, not for one second will I say that. But I will say I am happy with myself and my life right now and I am a good person that just so happens to not attend church.

Anyways, getting away from the church subject. I walked for a very long time in a very dark place. I guess the only way I can describe it is that I gave up on myself and lost all self respect. I didn't care about myself and didn't feel as though I was worth anything at all. Through this time I made some decisons that I don't necessarily regret but I knew better than to make them. I was so lost in myself, though, that I didn't even realize the severity of the decisions I was making. Through all of this I found Sara. We had a pretty shitty start but we somehow managed to look past all of it, make amends, and become the amazing friends we are today. This girl knows me in and out. She knows the girl I used to be and she saw the dark Leah that turned into the Leah I am today. She helped me to put self worth back into myself and helped me to realize I was good enough. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I have this girl.

As she left for college two weeks ago I cried in her arms telling her, "Sara, I don't want to fall back again. It scares me knowing you won't be here because you have helped me to keep my head on straight." She looked me in the eyes and told me that it would be okay. I am strong and I have come too far to let myself go again.

Every person deserves to have a friend like Sara in their life. I don't know if I would be where I am right now without her.

To kind of wrap up this post I just want to say that I am happy. I know some of my biggest supporters are the ones that have read my blog posts since day one and I want to say thank you to all of you and to everyone that has always been there for me in my life, whether you are still here or not. You have all made me who I am today, and I am happy with the person that I am.